NYTimes: In Sweden, the Men Can Have It All

From The New York Times: The Female Factor

For nearly four decades, governments of all political hues in Sweden have legislated to give women equal rights at work — and men equal rights at home.

Surprise! I want to work!

A recent article on The Bump highlighted the 10 Biggest New Mom Surprises (and How to Deal). Amidst noisy poop and bad breastfeeding experiences they mentioned this nugget: "Going back to work is hard."

This is one of the top 10 surprises? Really? I have not yet met a single mom who is thinking about going back to work who hasn't thought the transition back will be hard. What surprised me? How much I WANTED to go back to work, even though I KNEW it was going to be hard.

I love The Bump - as much as I loved The Knot when I got married and The Nest when we were settling in to our new life as a married couple. I love their witty banter and the way they create community without being forceful. I had coffee a few months back with Carley Roney who co-founded the knot with her husband. She's an amazing mother, wife and business owner. She LIVES the 50/50 model. I am pretty sure that she expected going back to work post-baby would be hard. And I'm pretty sure she still didn't skip a beat when the time came to start working again.

We are all very willing to talk about how hard it is to leave our babies, but every time I mentioned how much a I wanted to go back to work, how hard it was for me to NOT be working, the conversation would get a little uncomfortable. "Won't you miss them?" "Do you have to?" Yes, I had to to go back to work. For ME.

But even though I was unwavering in my desire to start working again, I couldn't help feeling a bit guilty. I found myself hiding the fact that I just plain liked working because I was getting the impression that meant I was a bad mother. I knew in my heart of hearts that if I was a happy, engaged member of society, a contributing member to our family's income, and someone who was having an impact outside of our nuclear family, that I would be a better mother to my son. But I didn't feel like arguing that point with other mothers at the playground. I sadly perpetuated the conversation and let them believe that I needed to go back to work, or that I was only doing it to "keep busy" or "keep my toe in". I didn't tell them that financially we would survive without my income, or of my plans to build a large consulting company, or for world domination for that matter.

I am so grateful to have a husband who values my career - who understands that for me to be happy, I need to be engaged in a professional manner, creating something beyond me and my family. I am also grateful that he believes, as I do, that a mother isn't (and shouldn't be) the only person who can take care of my children.

It did not surprise me that going back to work was hard to manage or that I missed my baby when I was working. But I was surprised and delighted that my values became crystal clear once my first baby was born. No longer was it okay to just have a "job". If it was going to take me away from my babies, it had better be pretty darn meaningful work. Being a mother made me a better judge of how I was applying my skills, and how I was spending my time each day - allowing me the clarity to carefully engage in only those things that mattered. And one of those things that floated to the top of my list was, not surprisingly, my career. Rebecca Rodskog is a Change Management Coach and Consultant, an Actress, Speaker and Writer. She lives in Manhattan with her husband and two children. www.rodskog.com

By Rebecca Rodskog

Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?

This week on KZSU’s talk show—“What Would Your Mother Say” a show that talks candidly about campus life at Stanford with young adults and mothers – we talked to two different authors (former Stanford grads) with conflicting opinions on how to pick your life partner.

Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, explained to the panel that women need to get real about finding Mr. Right. Women have unrealistic expectations of their perfect partner and these crazy idealizations (i.e. over 5’10’’ but under 6’0’’ with a head of wavy but not curly hair) often keep many great guys out of the gate from the get-go.

“Deal-breakers” and lists of what their dream guy should be like should be dumped—not the guy. Heck, as Gottlieb so kindly points out, “(we all become) Older, Overweight, and Bald anyways”. What we should do, Gottlieb recommends, is broaden our perspective and start looking for men with important qualities and similar shared values.

Conversely, Amalia McGibbon co-author of The Choice Effect: Love and Commitment in an Age of Too Many Options took a more circuitous approach to picking one’s partner—embracing the endless pool of choices. McGibbon noted the modern phenomenon that in this day in age, women have infinite possibilities as to how their life and life partner could be—“the world is our oyster”.

This choice effect has allowed women to “sidestep traditional time lines”, which McGibbon argued is not a bad thing. In fact, McGibbon commented, women should not feel like “ticking bombs” but rather should enjoy the wide array of choices that earlier generations of women did not have the pleasure of doing.

While it is fun to romanticize about finding Mr. Right and wonder if there are more than one Mr. Right’s out there, when does this analysis become paralysis? When do you wake and realize your lack of ability to decide--was in fact a decision?

Do we meet Mr. Right by:
a) Dumping our former dating criterion, making a new one and settling for Mr. Good Enough
b) Exercising our right to choose, explore and second guess our dating life because we can in this day in age?

My view—a combination of A & B (sorry not on the menu)--these options should not be mutually exclusive. Doing a little homework and reflecting on what you and your ideal partner’s values and key qualities should share is the first step (hopefully this is where you dump the romantic comedy movie requirements).

Once this is done, absolutely take the time to “Shop till you drop” as we ladies know how to do so well. Enjoy the process with no sense of urgency. The best consumer is one with a lot of options!

By Mary Liz McCurdy

Fast Women, Fast Friends

“Yes we can” was Obama’s great rallying cry – what happens when we girlfriends adopt it as our own? Marathoners Paula Radcliffe and Kara Goucher just reminded me. The New York Times tells how Goucher went to Radcliffe for advice – how to compete at the top while pregnant. Since Radcliffe herself was pregnant (2nd child), she had both tips and camaraderie to offer.

In contrast, this weekend I watched Tooth Fairy, the movie about a proud hockey player who’s lost confidence in himself and throws cold water on the dreams of others. I thought of an otherwise kind women who looked a me when I was returning to work after having my first child. “Yeah, I tried to go back full-time too. It just doesn’t work – you’ll learn!” she told me. I know she meant well – she wanted to save me the sadness she’d felt when things didn’t play out the way she wanted. That exchange made me realized how hard it is sometimes to put aside disappointments and cheer our friends on to succeed – especially about things that have been rough for us.

Gretchen Rubin, in her great book The Happiness Project has a fix: To remember that, more than any other kind of gift, what our friends need is food for their dreams -- encouragement and faith to help them surmount the odds. This rang true to me. While we women are great at comforting each other when life is hard, as a group, we are less prone to say, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" So when female friends remind me to keep my sights high, that indeed is something of rare value.

After I’ve done my moping about whatever it may be, the kindest friend is the one who puts her arm around me and says: “Yup, it’s tough. So are you going to give up? Or pick up your chin and get back in there.” If we want more girl power, we need to give and receive the kind of candid gifts that allow women to reach for the gold.

Time’s “New Sheriffs of Wall Street” cover this week shows what good things happen when females despite adversity, muscle through – the heads of the SEC, FDIC and TAARP are are three amazing women. They know what I try to remember: Life is a marathon, not a sprint.


By Sharon Meers

Harvard Toolkit for Closing the Pay Gap

Great piece in the New York Times
about Hannah Riley Bowles and her research -- showing how women close their own pay gap when they’ve got the scoop on pay scales and perceptions.

Excerpt: Even now, when women represent half the work force, they’re still paid considerably less than men — and part of that pay gap may be a result of what happens at the salary negotiation table.

That’s assuming that women make it to the table, since research shows that they are less likely to ask for raises. Even when they do, their requests may be perceived as overly demanding or less agreeable.

“We have found that if a man and a woman both attempt to negotiate for higher pay, people find a woman who does this, compared to one who does not, significantly less attractive,” said Hannah Riley Bowles, an associate professor at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, who has conducted numerous studies on gender, negotiation and leadership. “Whereas with the guy, it doesn’t seem to matter.”

So what’s a woman to do if she feels her work merits a raise?

A new study concludes that women need to take a different approach than men. Women, it suggests, should frame their requests in more nuanced ways to avoid undermining their relationship with their boss.

To see more research based suggestions on women can negotiate their way to close the pay gap - read full article in the New York Times.

By Sharon Meers

Calling it Quits Before Getting Started

Last week I spoke at Columbia Teachers College's Organization and Human Development Consulting Club. My talk was on "Executive Coaching", and much of it revolved around how I got to where I am today. During my speech I discussed "paths" for getting experience - namely training and education, and working for a coaching company and/or human capital consulting firm. I worked at Accenture for 5 years in their Change Management Practice (now Human Capital) which launched my career in this field.

One of the students called me this week, as I encouraged any of the attendees to do. We dove into her questions about next steps, and I realized what she was really struggling with: although she desired to work in the field of Human Capital Consulting, she had no desire to live the life of a consultant. She knew what that looked like, knew she could do it now, but didn't want to be doing it later in life when she might want to start a family.

She was opting out before she was even in.

I took a deep breath and asked her some questions about the work - she is interning at a human capital consulting firm currently (a boutique) and was disappointed in her role. Most of her job was crunching data and making it pretty. I asked her if she liked the field and could see a path to interesting, more client-facing work. She said absolutely. She cared very much about putting herself in other people's shoes, trying to understand how they think and how to help them. She knows she's good at it. Yet...

...she cannot imagine her life as a consultant, even if the work is engaging and thrilling and what she is meant to do.

This is not the first time a client of mine has stopped before they've started based on potential limitations their future career will place on their future personal life. A client of mine whose deepest desire is to be a filmmaker, had all but stopped pursuing her dream because she believed film making would lead to months on the road, which would cause her to never meet a man, and therefore never have a family. Basically she had painted a picture of her dream career as one that would cause her to never be happy. She believed it to be an either-or situation.

These examples go on and on. Girls in high school are focusing on schools and careers that will lead them to a career they believe will be more "flexible" and allow them to be home in time for dinner. They are calling it quits before even getting started. I'm pretty sure the guys aren't doing this. They are confident that they'll work it out when and if they need to.

Do companies know that they are losing amazing people years before they are a potential recruit?

I encouraged this student to take another look at consulting -- to be open to the idea that consulting may or may not be the right career for her in 5-10 years, but it could be great for now. Consulting as a next step could give her the invaluable experience she needs to do whatever she wants in the field for whomever, or even for herself, later on.

As I ended the call I was saddened that our conversation indicated that it's still easier for people to avoid a potential rough road than stand up for what they want -- what they are passionate about -- and be the change. However, I was happy that I may have rescued one more woman from opting out of her dream career before it even began.

Rebecca Rodskog is a Change Management Coach and Consultant, an actress, speaker and writer. She lives in Manhattan with her husband and two children. www.rodskog.com

By Rebecca Rodskog

Why Swords Are Good For Boys – And Girls Too

Yesterday, I got a message at work from my third child's nursery school: "Your son is making play weapons at school - light sabers, swords and shields. These are not appropriate for nursery school play. Please work with him to understand that these are not ok toys."

This is my third child, and second boy so I've been through this before. When my older son was in pre-school, one teacher told me his George Washington picture book was verboten -- he shouldn't bring this book to school because stories of war were not welcome in the classroom. (How this teacher explained why we're no longer a British colony, I just don't know.)

At our house, we've developed a pretty good arsenal. Sword fighting is a daily occurrence, as is wrestling, light saber fighting and even nerf guns. The kids love them, and all of the research I have done indicates that there is no harm in allowing these to be used in a "nice" way. Some of the research even shows that boys get demoralized when they are told that the toys they enjoy for their make believe play are "bad".

I am far more worried about girl cattiness in nursery school than I am boy make-believe weapon play. Those little boys who make guns out of bread: they seem to become CEOs of companies. Watching my older son play with water shooters in the pool with 10 other young boys shows me that they are learning to work together, form teams, develop strategy and importantly, have a really good time with each other. These are skills that should serve them well going forward. What types of activities do young girls do that work on these same skills?

I think schools should spend less energy criticizing boy play, and more energy helping girls to learn to participate. I would love my daughter to participate in sword fights with her friends, like my son does on play dates, rather than do art projects. I think it would be wonderful to watch a group of neighborhood girls stage a large water pistol engagement, rather than sit by the pool and chat. I believe these interactions help boys learn to relate to each other in a way that enables their success later on. I certainly wish I had learned to spar in sword fights - this could have been very useful in my first few years working in the corporate world.

By Joanna Strober