Speaking of Freedom...Do We Want it All?

After July 4th, I was doing some thinking about freedom. I am filled with gratitude and awe when I think about what was sacrificed to allow me to be sitting here at Starbucks, wearing what I want to wear, writing what I want to write, with no fear of consequence (except maybe an angry reader).

But along with that gratitude, I also feel overwhelmed. I have choices...so many, in fact, that it's not exactly clear what do to next.   I actually feel guilty sometimes if I think I am not constantly maximizing the opportunities that have been presented to me. And sometimes, dare I say, I wish I didn't have so many choices.

Now, before that comment annoys you, let's talk a bit about psychology. In his Ted Talk, Psychologist Barry Schwartz takes aim at a central tenet of western societies: freedom of choice. In Schwartz's estimation, choice has made us not freer but more paralyzed, not happier but more dissatisfied.

He claims "with so many options to choose from, people find it very difficult to choose at all." And, "even if we manage to overcome the paralysis and make a choice, we end up less satisfied with the result of the choice than we would be if we had fewer options to choose from." The imagined alternative reduces the satisfaction we have with the option we chose.

Wow. He couldn't have said it better. I have chosen to start my own business, working from home so I can be with my kids when I want to and set my own schedule.

But sometimes I think, gosh, would I be happier if I had chosen...
...to be a stay at home mom and not have to worry about the business...
...to work part-time at a company where I can leave my work at work...
...to work full-time at a company so I can be told what's expected of me...
...to have stayed where I was before where I would surely be a Partner by now...
...or really just about any other option that has been placed before me?

And to make it worse, we women don't do a really good job of supporting each others' choices, do we? It's almost as if to validate our own choices we have to believe that the choices others make that are different than ours are bad.

My husband's stepmother is in town. She made a comment the other day that she had been observing young women in the city, and she felt a bit sorry for them. They seemed so...busy. And I thought, yes, we ARE busy, but isn't that what we wanted?

I would never want to live in a society where my choices are made for me. I am eternally grateful and recognize how lucky I am to be able to be doing what I am now. But, the management of the choices can be exhausting, and I believe we need to see it for what it is - too many available choices can lead to dissatisfaction in the choices we've made.

We need to stop worrying about the choices we could have made, enjoy and celebrate the ones we have made – while being equally happy for our friends who make decisions different from our own. 

Let freedom ring!

Today Show's Chatzky: Earning Power Shifts the Status Quo

Today, says the Shriver Report, a 2009 study by Maria Shriver and the Center for American Progress, only one of five families with children at home have dads who work and moms who stay home. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 25.9% of wives in 2007 were earning more than their husbands in households where both spouses work. That's up from 17.8% two decades ago. Since December 2007, men have accounted for three-quarters of all job losses.

When earning more money shifts the status quo at home, learning new ways to cope with the money/gender gap can help.

To continue reading Chatzky's take on Getting to 50/50, click here.

What to wear to work? How much freedom do we really have - check out our new Washington Post "On Leadership" column

"Vanilla. Wear nothing that makes anyone think twice." That was the advice a successful man gave me as I started my career.

I bristled at this idea but grudgingly tried to apply it. Like many young women, I was happy to be free of male fashion constraints (white shirt, dark suit) and man-on-man abuse for non-conformity ("Lavender-striped tie? Where'd you get that, your mother?").

But sartorial liberty has its risks. How polished should a woman look to convey competence? The standards vary widely. In the military, male commanders sport form-fitting outfits but female generals seem to tailor their uniforms only in the movies. What about open-toed shoes? Ruffles? Bold jewelry? Necklines? The choices - and perils - are boundless.

For the full article, please go to: On Leadership

NYTimes: Women and Technology and Myth

Immigrant Model for Women: What we can learn from Indian entrepreneurs.

An interesting article by Adriana Gardella.

NYTimes: In Sweden, the Men Can Have It All

From The New York Times: The Female Factor

For nearly four decades, governments of all political hues in Sweden have legislated to give women equal rights at work — and men equal rights at home.

Surprise! I want to work!

A recent article on The Bump highlighted the 10 Biggest New Mom Surprises (and How to Deal). Amidst noisy poop and bad breastfeeding experiences they mentioned this nugget: "Going back to work is hard."

This is one of the top 10 surprises? Really? I have not yet met a single mom who is thinking about going back to work who hasn't thought the transition back will be hard. What surprised me? How much I WANTED to go back to work, even though I KNEW it was going to be hard.

I love The Bump - as much as I loved The Knot when I got married and The Nest when we were settling in to our new life as a married couple. I love their witty banter and the way they create community without being forceful. I had coffee a few months back with Carley Roney who co-founded the knot with her husband. She's an amazing mother, wife and business owner. She LIVES the 50/50 model. I am pretty sure that she expected going back to work post-baby would be hard. And I'm pretty sure she still didn't skip a beat when the time came to start working again.

We are all very willing to talk about how hard it is to leave our babies, but every time I mentioned how much a I wanted to go back to work, how hard it was for me to NOT be working, the conversation would get a little uncomfortable. "Won't you miss them?" "Do you have to?" Yes, I had to to go back to work. For ME.

But even though I was unwavering in my desire to start working again, I couldn't help feeling a bit guilty. I found myself hiding the fact that I just plain liked working because I was getting the impression that meant I was a bad mother. I knew in my heart of hearts that if I was a happy, engaged member of society, a contributing member to our family's income, and someone who was having an impact outside of our nuclear family, that I would be a better mother to my son. But I didn't feel like arguing that point with other mothers at the playground. I sadly perpetuated the conversation and let them believe that I needed to go back to work, or that I was only doing it to "keep busy" or "keep my toe in". I didn't tell them that financially we would survive without my income, or of my plans to build a large consulting company, or for world domination for that matter.

I am so grateful to have a husband who values my career - who understands that for me to be happy, I need to be engaged in a professional manner, creating something beyond me and my family. I am also grateful that he believes, as I do, that a mother isn't (and shouldn't be) the only person who can take care of my children.

It did not surprise me that going back to work was hard to manage or that I missed my baby when I was working. But I was surprised and delighted that my values became crystal clear once my first baby was born. No longer was it okay to just have a "job". If it was going to take me away from my babies, it had better be pretty darn meaningful work. Being a mother made me a better judge of how I was applying my skills, and how I was spending my time each day - allowing me the clarity to carefully engage in only those things that mattered. And one of those things that floated to the top of my list was, not surprisingly, my career. Rebecca Rodskog is a Change Management Coach and Consultant, an Actress, Speaker and Writer. She lives in Manhattan with her husband and two children. www.rodskog.com

By Rebecca Rodskog

Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?

This week on KZSU’s talk show—“What Would Your Mother Say” a show that talks candidly about campus life at Stanford with young adults and mothers – we talked to two different authors (former Stanford grads) with conflicting opinions on how to pick your life partner.

Lori Gottlieb, author of Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, explained to the panel that women need to get real about finding Mr. Right. Women have unrealistic expectations of their perfect partner and these crazy idealizations (i.e. over 5’10’’ but under 6’0’’ with a head of wavy but not curly hair) often keep many great guys out of the gate from the get-go.

“Deal-breakers” and lists of what their dream guy should be like should be dumped—not the guy. Heck, as Gottlieb so kindly points out, “(we all become) Older, Overweight, and Bald anyways”. What we should do, Gottlieb recommends, is broaden our perspective and start looking for men with important qualities and similar shared values.

Conversely, Amalia McGibbon co-author of The Choice Effect: Love and Commitment in an Age of Too Many Options took a more circuitous approach to picking one’s partner—embracing the endless pool of choices. McGibbon noted the modern phenomenon that in this day in age, women have infinite possibilities as to how their life and life partner could be—“the world is our oyster”.

This choice effect has allowed women to “sidestep traditional time lines”, which McGibbon argued is not a bad thing. In fact, McGibbon commented, women should not feel like “ticking bombs” but rather should enjoy the wide array of choices that earlier generations of women did not have the pleasure of doing.

While it is fun to romanticize about finding Mr. Right and wonder if there are more than one Mr. Right’s out there, when does this analysis become paralysis? When do you wake and realize your lack of ability to decide--was in fact a decision?

Do we meet Mr. Right by:
a) Dumping our former dating criterion, making a new one and settling for Mr. Good Enough
b) Exercising our right to choose, explore and second guess our dating life because we can in this day in age?

My view—a combination of A & B (sorry not on the menu)--these options should not be mutually exclusive. Doing a little homework and reflecting on what you and your ideal partner’s values and key qualities should share is the first step (hopefully this is where you dump the romantic comedy movie requirements).

Once this is done, absolutely take the time to “Shop till you drop” as we ladies know how to do so well. Enjoy the process with no sense of urgency. The best consumer is one with a lot of options!

By Mary Liz McCurdy